So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
