Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
