I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My room smells like vodka and shame
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
