3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Randomize
