If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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