My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
