i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
