I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
