It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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