so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
