My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it because I queefed?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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