Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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