i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
