remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
