OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
