When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
