Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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