My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
