Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
