Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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