wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
