What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
