Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
