so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
