Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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