Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
