Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
