I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
