Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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