Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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