im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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