My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
