I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Your dad touched me again.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
