my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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