two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
