i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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