he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
