I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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