the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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