When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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