I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
