I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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