just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
