the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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