You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
