Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So. Much. Porn.
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