if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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