Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
