I wish I could teleport
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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