she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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