just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
